For many parents, Target is our mother-ship, plain and simple. It has clothes, toiletries, sunglasses, cool scarves, pet food, last-minute birthday gifts, bikes, people food, throw pillows and pretty much everything you could ever dream of. But it’s when you have kids, that Target takes on a whole new importance you never could’ve imagined.
Need diapers? Target. Need formula? Target. Need a $5 DVD to watch during your seemingly endless pumping sessions? Target. Bored and kind of lonely as a stay-at-home parent? Go. Wander. Target. Whatever you need, Target can provide. It’s like an oasis in the desert that is parenthood and the funny parents of Twitter completely understand your Target codependency. Check out these hilarious tweets about our love affair with the big red bulls-eye.
1. Everyone’s an expert.
Yell at your kid to shut her cry hole one time in a crowded Target and suddenly everyone is offering parenting tips.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 23, 2014
Nothing brings out parental rage like a trip to Target. Come at me.
2. Buying all the things.
What has 2 thumbs, a new yoga ball, nailpolish, Oreos, dog toys, stationary, cereal & is never going to Target unsupervised again? This guy!
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) February 8, 2011
That bulls-eye is hypnotizing, no question. That, plus the disorienting florescent lights and popcorn-scented air clouds the brain. No good decisions are made within these walls. Except maybe the Oreos.
3. A literal nightmare.
I Forgot What Day It Was and Went to Target on a Saturday.
-A Housewife Horror Story
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) February 27, 2016
The best part about being a stay-at-home mom is wandering Target at 10am on a Tuesday. Try it on a weekend at your peril.
4. Or maybe the condoms?
How do you get 4 kids that are acting up in Target to get quiet?
Take them down the tampon aisle.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 29, 2014
Ask them to reach you a box of the super absorbency kind. That’ll teach them.
5. *guitar strumming*
“Hotel California” was playing in Target, which was fitting seeing as you can check-out any time you like, but you can never leave.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 10, 2016
Even after you walk out (hoping you don’t somehow set off the alarm, why does that always happen to me?) Target’s hold over you remains. Until next time, it whispers in your ear. Which you can only barely hear because of the fucking stupid alarm.
6. Nothing compares.
Walmart employee: Can I help you find something?
Me: yes, Target
— ÜRSÜLÄ(S) (@3sunzzz) April 27, 2016
You might go to Walmart some time just to price check but you’ll come crawling back with your little bull-dog tail between your legs. Go home. Are you too good for your home?
7. Real AF.
STOP SAYING I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH MY LIFE, TARGET IS A REAL PLACE AND I’M GOING THERE RIGHT NOW
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 20, 2016
And tomorrow. And probably again this weekend.
8. Don’t make it weird.
ME: We’ve got wine, beer, use any bathroom, oh & if u need to nurse-
TARGET MGR: Ma’am u can’t host a party her-
ME: shhh. I live here now
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 20, 2016
I mean, technically, we could live there. They sell futons. There’s groceries. And bathrooms. What’s stopping us? Like, don’t snuff out my hopes and dreams, floor manager. Get your own brilliant life plan.
9. A literal black hole.
Going to Target, be back in nine hours.
— SuperSardonicTart™ (@SardonicTart) June 27, 2015
Leaving Target like, “What year is it? Is Trump president?” Shudder.
10. Oh shit, they know.
Hey guys, if your wife says she’s at home doing laundry, she’s lying. She’s at Target, they’re all at Target, literally right this minute.
— BornHusky (@dlockw21) December 16, 2015
Our cover is blown, RUN!
Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name, & they’re always glad you came I sing softly as I stroll thru the doors of Target.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 12, 2016
I still kind of wish the security guy at my Target looked more like Norm but otherwise, it’s welcoming as can be.
12. You don’t know what you need until Target tells you.
So You Think You Only Need Two Things From Target
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) January 27, 2016
The number of things a mom buys at Target is kind of like the number of rings on a tree; the longer you’re a mom, the more shit you buy. Science.
The post The Funny Parents Of Twitter On Why We Worship Target appeared first on Scary Mommy.