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What I Say VERSUS What My Kid Hears

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The number one waste of oxygen on the planet is parents telling their kids things. Probably.

Something seems to get lost in translation from the moment sound leaves a parents lips to their kids’ banana-filled ears on the way to the blank slates of the perpetual-imagination machines in their little round heads.

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Most kids’ ability to listen and understand is vastly exceeded by their ability to zone out or ignore.

 

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You don’t even need to say it sometimes, it’s like they have a biological clock that flips an internal switch to hyper insane and sensitive around bedtime.

 

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Parents can convince their kids that nocturnal fairies exchange cash for fallen-out teeth, but its nearly impossible to get them to believe the house is out of sweets.

 

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Car navigations systems should be build with a voice-triggered estimated time of arrival when it hears a kid ask “Are we there yet?”

 

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For a lot of little kids, there are really only two kinds of flying insects: 1) bees, 2) very probably almost definitely also a bee.

 

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Some kids are bathwaterholics. You’d think it wasted like the nectar of the Gods.

 

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When a kid is pooping-in-PJs terrified, trying to convince them there’s nothing to fear can be about as effective as telling an angry person they’re overreacting.

 

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Ah! The sweetness of forbidden fruit. Gross, dirty, germ-ridden forbidden fruit. Blech!

 

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When kids are learning the rules, they also pick up a lot of crafty loopholes.

 

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We know it’s wrong and not an options, but that doesn’t stop our thoughts from occasionally turning to child-management uses for duct tape.

 

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Remember that game “Opposite Day.” Yeah. F*ck that game. Little kids seem to be competing for the championship of “Opposite Decade.”

 

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We all have our own particular eating habits. Kids have like five. As in, only five things they’ll eat.

 

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